Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Balconette. Push-up. Strapless. Enhancing. Minimizing. Triangulizing?

Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Well, 37 and a half weeks of scrapping, and up until now no one could say I hadn’t put up a fairly reasonable fight, but today the postman delivered the final blow. Here I am, sprawled on the canvas after a thrashing defeat, listening to the tolling of the death knell of my sexuality. Today my recent purchase off eBay arrived – the first of two maternity bras.

OH. EM. GEE. Believe me, the melodrama isn’t just a literary technique to help set the scene, it’s a completely crucial and necessary ingredient of my narrative of horror. YOU SHOULD SEE THIS THING.

It makes my boobs triangular! No joke. They look like 59% Polyamide, 35% Cotton, 6% Elastane white DORITOS.

GAH! Up until now, despite all my whining and complaining I suppose it would be fair to say that I like the shape of my body while I’m pregnant. There are lots of fringe benefits to having a big, fat belly:

  • Thighs look thinner in comparison
  • No requirement to suck in gut while walking past mirrors in department stores
  • Can waddle around in flip flops every day and not have to wear ‘proper’ office clothes at work

There is definitely something empowering in having a belly swollen with a baby that lends itself to a bit of extra self confidence, I think. “YAH THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE, “ I think to myself as I walk through the supermarket, “Get me! I’m building a whole new person. Boo-yah.” But that extra self confidence definitely took a hit when I tried on this maternity bra this evening to see how it felt. Comfortable: sure. Functional: undoubtedly. But DANG BROTHA, this thing is ugly. It’s sexless, forces my bouncing Buddhas into a ridiculous geometric shape and makes grown men wince with anguish, as Jason demonstrated with much protestation tonight as I stood looking at my reflection, puzzled, looking into the bedroom mirror just now.

“MY KNOCKERS LOOK LIKE EGYPTIAN PYRAMIDS, “ I lamented to my husband. “But I guess they’re still the same underneath, “ I continued. Testing the water with an offer he usually can’t refuse, I said, “Go on, give ‘em a mash, then.”

“Er... I’ll pass thanks. That thing DEFINITELY looked better while it was still in the envelope.”

3 people had something to say about this...:

Lis said...

hmmmmm, maternity bra and sexy??? You were expecting vavavoom? Egyptian pyramids are pretty cool, it usually looks like a sling shot for milk bags! ;)

Fame Throwa said...

Bwahaha! That's the funniest thing I've read all month. Not that I'm having a laugh at your ta-tas' expense. I'm not that insensitive. :)

Anonymous said...

Very thoughtfull post on self confidence.It should be very much helpfull

Karim - Creating Power