Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The Reverse Piñata Uterus Incident

Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Inspired by the latest episode of Momversation, which is all about BIRTH CONTROL (“Condoms and Diaphragms and Vasectomies, Oh My!”) I thought I would capture a few words while we are, it appears, on the precipice of one of those moments that might just wind up being quite a significant chapter in the history of our little family.
Jude at 10 weeks:  Canuck Aboot Toon Junior!
How appropriate this has come up now (no pun intended) as Jude is only 10 weeks old, and already we're talking about The Big V. That's right... Jason is just about decided that he is going to get a vasectomy.

Hurrah! (and there was much rejoicing)

Let me set the scene for you a little. It is a topic that I have dared to broach more than just a few times over the course of our relationship. My Dad had one as did lots of other men in my Mum’s extended family, so I grew up sort of assuming that it was one of those things that husbands just did, as a matter of course, once you were through with all the baby-making malarkey. Not so, as I found out! Jason was quite adamant that he wouldn't ever consider getting one, despite regular protestations from me. He was unmoved.

You all know the story of my delivery with Jude, which resulted in a ruptured uterus. Which I have decided to dub henceforth (with genuine affection) “The Reverse Piñata Uterus Incident.” Jude made such a thorough job of bustin’ on outta there, that apparently my uterus is so gnarled up and punked out now that it couldn't withstand another pregnancy. Damn – that’s harsh.

Anyway – Jason’s thinking on the matter started to sway when I was in hospital, recovering from the birth. I’m totally not kidding when I tell you that honestly? Just about every single midwife/doctor/consultant that came to check me out post-op followed up their initial salutations with, "And what are you doing for contraception?”

We were not left in any doubt of the fact that if I were to get pregnant by accident (have you met my eldest son, Ben?) then we’d most likely be facing a termination. Double harsh. So what do we do?

The Pill turns me into an unreasonable raging hormonal basket-case plagued by monthly migraines: I become a 3-days-off-work-sick-can’t-stand-any-light-noise-skull-cracking monster, so that was quite out of the question. And condoms? Well, as Amanda recently commented on this very subject on one of my favourite blogs (Girls Gone Child):  “I hate condoms. They're just...ugh. Why put a balloon on your tongue when you eat cake?” Well said INDEED, girlfran.

So let me tell you this: a couple of weeks ago, after persevering with a mysterious pain in one side of his jaw, Jason decided to go to the doctor to get checked out. I was talking on the phone to my friend Lindsay at the time, and buoyed up with bravado at having one of my girlfriends ‘in the room’ (in a manner of speaking) just as he was heading out the door, I said to Lindsay, “Watch this,” and cheekily shouted downstairs, “ASK THE DOCTOR ABOUT GETTING THE SNIP!!”

My request was met with the sound of the front door shutting behind him.

But then! When he got back (just a toothache; nothing to worry about) he held in his hand... a piece of paper! But no, dear readers, not just your everyday generic boring old common-or-garden NHS prescription or anything, but a leaflet! About VASECTOMY!

A couple of weeks has passed and we haven’t really discussed it, save for the subject coming up again when I received this Facebook message...


...which Jason just LAUGHED OFF. And that’s that. I think he’s going to do it. I am constantly in awe of this incredible man. I mean, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone has wanted to hang out with me this long, much less marry me? And give him babies? And now he wants to end all our birth control woes once and for all by getting A NEEDLE IN THE NUTS? My hero.

When my son is old enough to realize the ins and outs of the whole thing (damn, I'm on birth-control-pun FIRE today!) I will shake his hand for his reverse-pinata move, and tell him thanks for helping to influence The Most Difficult Husband/Wife Recurrent Dispute In Our House of 2008-2009.

So what about you?  Does your other half go green at the thought of a needle in his unmentionables?  How do you cope with the prospect of accidental pregnancies?

6 people had something to say about this...:

Anonymous said...
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Tanya said...

This is a good entry and represents a conversation not too far off down the road in my house!!

Anonymous said...

I notice you never mentioned abstinence as an option. It's easy - get 3 big dogs. They quell the urge by whining, scratching and drooling. At my door I hasten to add.

Maggie

Dave Almond (The) said...

This whole issue is a non-issue. I had a vasectomy four years ago, and I still think it's the greatest thing I've ever done. Mind you, I haven't accomplished much in my life. It's mostly painless (slight ache for the rest of the day) and I was told not to spackle anyone or anything for three days (I lasted about six hours). How many men can say they've seen their own vas deferens? I can.

Lis said...

Great Post. Also a conversation in our house (although undecided whether I want him to have it yet or not) but now that it is sooner than later, he is wavering a little.... my dad made my mom get the deed done... great example!

Anonymous said...

My husband was set on getting a vasectomy, from the moment I got my second positive pregnancy test. (Second pregnancy). However, I made him wait until the baby was born...just because I didn't want to jinx anything. Low and behold..along came twins, so now we have 3 kids instead of 2, which was NOT the plan. I ended up having to have a C-section, and the doctor asked me before doing the surgery if I wanted any more children? And if not, would I like a tubal ligation while she was in there already? Yessiree...and that was that. No need for the big V, although he would have gotten it, I think.